MsGraceWales's Blog

So sometimes things are very hard, and it can feel like happiness is very far away, possibly somewhere under all the rather massive amount of pain. Yet there are the breaks, and these are the things that help me to keep going. I try not to hold onto them, because we learned in mindfulness meditation (http://breathworks-mindfulness.org.uk/) that trying to hold onto pleasure and push away pain makes things worse. I am just accepting how things are now but using these moments to remember that even though it may not feel it there will be good days again and that there are things that can break though the deepest pain with hope and joy.

The breaks, I only know mine, but I am thinking that we all have them, but they are different for each of us, it just takes the noticing of them and recognising the wonder. It can get buried under everything, everything pain/tired/ lists/food/bills/people. This is what I mean by The Breaks:

So I had a migrane, a bad one with all the visual symptoms, auras and nausea etc, but it was sunset and I could tell from inside that it was beautiful and wanted to go out and see it. So L took me out and it was worth it. I could hardly look at it, this picture was taken with me closing my eyes and holding the camera up and squinting into the viewing bit to see if it was about right and clicking it! A part of me was upset as I wanted to sit and cwtch with L in our garden and enjoy the beautiful sunset together, and I couldn’t. Then I thought, well, I am aren’t I? I am outside, with L, and I am really enjoying and appreciating the beauty of this and the reflection and blessings of the Divine within it. Yes it is through a big blur of pain but I am still doing it. I could lie inside and not try and go out and enjoy and then I would have missed this and it is beautiful. Perhaps this is it, doing it anyway, to the best of my ability and enjoying it and being grateful and knowing that a. a few years ago I would never have been able to do even this and b. lots of people can do all this and more and don’t and for whatever combination of reasons the beauty of this sunset draws me and fills me with a joy and peace and gratitude and celebration for this earth and my being on it and my whole crazy, gorgeous, mixed up, beloved life and that is a big big blessing. I am able to feel all this and recognise it and feel it every day and notice all the joy throughout every day if I want to and I do.

The idea about The Breaks clarified for me recently. It was about 4am and I was very sick L was helping me and I happened to look out of the window and see the sunrise through the trees behind our house and it was so beautiful, the whole great sky filled up with pink and blue. I thought wow, and for that moment I wasn’t there with the pain I was there with the sky. And that moment, it was like it included in it a whole rest, and when I came back to me I could manage better. That is when I thought, its the Breaks, the moments, and sometimes they are good enough they make all the hardest times worth it. An amazing sunrise on the morning after a night of so much pain – these are The Breaks.

God of life, there are days when the burdens we carry chafe our shoulders and wear us down; when the road seems dreary and endless, the skies gray and threatening; when our lives have no music in them and our hearts are lonely, and our souls have lost their courage. Flood the path with light, we beseech you; turn our eyes to where the skies are full of promise. – Saint Augustine

(From Prayers of the Saints: An Inspired Collection of Holy Wisdom, ed. Woodeene Koenig-Bricker – San Francisco: Harper Collins, 1996)

The sunrise was my sky full of promise, and I am keeping my eyes upon it. I wish hope and skies of promise for all who read this.

Other Breaks include lovely post and lovely text messages, phonecalls, emails, messages, comments, blog views! So if you send me (or anyone)  those then you are a super special part of the Breaks and the love in this Universe and you deserve lots of love and thanks and a yummy green juice and you can add a bit of apple in as a big treat! Thank You for all of these!

Here are some pictures of some recent very loved and helpful Breaks:

Lovely post! We love, love, love post and love sending it too, and soon though Healing Boxes Charity we will, we hope be able to get lots of lovely post out to lots of people in need. Post makes my day.

Normally I love my wheelchair, to me it is the freedom to go places and do things I could not do otherwise, and it is a totally wonderful sapphire blue shiny one! However sometimes I get fed up with having to use a wheelchair and get a bit grumpy, so what is the solution? Add wings to your wheelchair!

Two collared doves live in the tree in our garden, they are so lovely and watching them and spending time with them uplifts me, if only for a moment, and its the moment that holds an age and an acre of peace within it and its the moments that count.

Rainbow Candles! How exciting, aren’t they sweet, they came in the suma order (http://www.suma.coop/contact-us/). I kept the box open all day as they are so pretty and cheery. Now if we say ‘we are lighting a candle for you’, you now know that it is one of  these hand-dipped fairtrade vegan candles full of love and rainbow fun!

L bought me from his budget the lovely shea butter (http://www.naturalcollection.com/products/ruby-red/ruby-red-organic-rose-shea-butter-200ml/) that I wanted but couldn’t afford from my budget, and gave it to me on a day when I especially needed cheering! Big yay and hugs to him.

There was a mouse! A mouse! Outside Grandmas, so exciting, we love mices to pieces

This poem to me is relief from pain, I know that isn’t what it is about but I read it after particularly intense pain flare and it described perfectly how, to me, the relief from pain feels:

EVERYONE suddenly burst out singing;
And I was filled with such delight
As prisoned birds must find in freedom,
Winging wildly across the white
Orchards and dark-green fields; on—on—and out of sight.	5
Everyone’s voice was suddenly lifted;
And beauty came like the setting sun:
My heart was shaken with tears; and horror
Drifted away … O, but Everyone
Was a bird; and the song was wordless; the singing will never be done.	10

- Siegfried Sassoon (1886–1967)

I know that this poem isn’t about illness but basically I think that when we read we all in some way identify or not, we all make our own reading of every poem within our own framework of knowledge, preconceptions and life circumstances. This poem fits well with lots of difficult situations and it has brought me comfort and so I include it here. I hope it can inspire your life through your individual reading of it. If you want to read the authors commentary on the poem and why it was written you can find it here: http://wonderingminstrels.blogspot.com/2001/08/sometimes-sheenagh-pugh.html

Sometimes

 Sometimes things don't go, after all,
 from bad to worse. Some years, muscadel
 faces down frost; green thrives; the crops don't fail.
 Sometimes a man aims high, and all goes well.

 A people sometimes will step back from war,
 elect an honest man, decide they care
 enough, that they can't leave some stranger poor.
 Some men become what they were born for.

 Sometimes our best intentions do not go
 amiss; sometimes we do as we meant to.
 The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow
 that seemed hard frozen; may it happen for you.

– Sheenagh Pugh

Please don’t misunderstand, I am very happy and cheerful and love my life, it can be superhard though, and these are the things that help.

I am not saying anything new or profound, just writing about the Breaks that come to me because they are so divine and so much bigger than me I think they deserve to be shared. I have read about other peoples Breaks in the past and they have inspired me and reminded me to go inward and look. (e.g. a few off the top of my head here “In meditation, you are the spaces in between the stars, the peace” – Linus, “We get it, we are living it, I get it you get it, we all doing it, yeah!” – Kaydee Buggs, “She scrambled over the river rocks and I laughed …We saw GOD in the sky: two hawks playing and mating and soaring in the pale blue sky.“- Callie Wheeler, http://basicmissions.com/?p=25. I keep the inspiring things I am blessed to come across and create inspiration scrapbooks which I love, I suppose this post is an online inspiration scrapbook:-)) I would hope that these might inspire someone to notice the good and do gratitude too. I don’t think lots of people read my blog to be honest, but if this reaches one person that is all worth it. I know this is far from unique, lots of young women are blogging about their experiences with chronic illness and that is great. It can be so isolating so the more support and openness and information that is shared that is one less thing that disabled people, information and support can be so empowering. Please feel free to share your “Breaks”, I would love to hear them and could add them here if you would like, we can make an inspiration station

I think that we need to note these things so they don’t drift under everyday life. This is living mindfully and in gratitude and awareness for me. Thank you for sharing it with me. Wishing you good days and joy,

Grace and Linus xxxxxxxx

All words and pictures belong to Grace unless otherwise stated. Copyright.